I’m still figuring it out. Maybe that’s the idea. Somewhere along the line of consciousness we developed ideologies that designed a human life through the achievement of milestones that were expected to be accomplished on a certain timeline. The timeline has changed over the decades but the milestones have remained the same. Some of the major milestones that I was supposed to achieve by my age I have not achieved, which has provided time. Time to figure it out, but what I’m figuring out is that I’m still figuring it out.
One thing is for sure; with all of this time that I’ve had in not achieving said milestones I’ve been gifted with the time to develop. I have developed myself and am, most days, happy with what I’ve made. I can honestly say that I have surpassed the anxieties of not quite fitting in, that I no longer make decisions out of desperation, and that I no longer live in fear. I still have insecurities, doubts and fears, but they no longer rule any decisions that I make and never stop me from pursuing curiosities or interests, because one thing that I have figured out is that the outcome is very rarely as horrific as your fear would have you feel and that most often the result is satisfying if not downright fantastic.
So…kind of sounds like I’ve got it all figured out right? I’m still figuring out how I choose to actively live my life in excellence (my own personal excellence that has nothing to do with anyone other than myself in the sense that it is my body, mind and soul that needs to be nourished in it’s own way so that I may live every day in harmony), which entails physical training, (my personal favorites are kickboxing, gymnastics, water sports, adventure sports and flexibility training) spiritual training, (prayer, journaling, meditation, conversation, reading) health and nutrition (organic natural meals that provide high nutrient deliciousness to fuel my body) and emotional stability (this coincides with spiritual training in the sense that when I’m connected with my “other” my emotional state is quite stable, but also involves facing fears, self-awareness and compassion). I’m educated, well travelled, curious, interested, fit, healthy, creative and all around as close as I’ve ever been to being the woman that I’ve always dreamed of being and the beautiful thing is that I’m still working on it.
I’ve always had this intrinsic fear of “is that it?”, one of the few reasons as to why I never married on the socially constructed timeline. In our day and age, people tend to view marriage and having a family as the last major milestone, apart from death. I’ve often heard and seen, what I like to call, the Throw In The Towel Syndrom, where after one gets married and has children one stops exercising, starts eating more, drinking more and refrains from taking care of oneself because who cares really, it’s all over and done with now anyway. To be clear, I’ve seen this in both men and women. The truth is is that we’re all still trying to figure it out, only some of us aren’t aware of that fact. Even marriage can’t negate that. 😉
Within this last year, my personal development leapt forward with some solid revelations and one major transcendence. I’ve transcended things before, but this last one was a biggie and I hadn’t experienced that kind of awakening in years. Awakening is like driving on a main thoroughfare and having to stop because there is a wall of fog so thick in front of you that you can’t see the path ahead, all while a constant stream of cars are stopping behind you, all waiting for the fog to clear. The cars are your “issues”. Some of the cars get frustrated and decide to turn around and go back, but they aren’t doing themselves any favors because the alternate route is significantly harder and longer than waiting for the fog to clear. It was so simple and I had heard of it so many times throughout my life that I’m almost embarrassed to share it with you.
I learned how to love myself.
WOW! Right? I honestly thought that I was lovin’ on myself for years before this, and in many ways I was. My physical health had been progressing for a while, my focus on eating only organic foods started about 10 years ago, fitness became a necessity rather than a burden and spirituality has always been a part of my life and progressing every year; yet, as it turned out I was focusing on the symptoms rather than the cause. Like my landlord who just patches up the leek but never spends the time or money to fix the source of the problem from the get go, in the long run spending more time and money on an issue that could have been fixed and maintained for years to come. Not a bad way to go necessarily because I would eventually get there…eventually, but if there were a more straightforward direction wouldn’t you actively takes it?
Love. That’s it. That’s all you need. The Beatles were right. If you love yourself, you love everything about you. You are kind and compassionate and forgiving to yourself. You are caring and thoughtful and work to maintain the highest form of respect for yourself. You take care of your body, mind and soul because that is how you care for someone that you love. Your life becomes about finding joy rather than focusing on struggle. You acknowledge the possibilities and strive for personal satisfaction and fulfillment following your heart, knowing that you might be following it alone for a while before things start to gel. You relinquish your fears and because of this your judgments towards others start to diminish, resentments start to fade and your heart fills with compassion and forgiveness and love. Gossip is all but eliminated because you understand that everyone is doing the best that they can with what they’ve got. You understand that not every path is your path and that just because you’ve found what’s right for you doesn’t mean that it’s right for everyone else. You stop focusing on how things are ‘supposed’ to be and start focusing on how you ‘want’ things to be. Life becomes a gift, a journey, an adventure. Is there still struggle, absolutely. Will there be days that you wish to no longer be here, yup. Will you still have doubt, insecurities or resentments, you better believe it, but, they will not rule you, you will not make decisions by them and you will not allow them to consume your consciousness. Because of this you will develop a greater sense of understanding for the human race in general and will experience a greater sense of acceptance for every living being. What a miracle indeed, to live a life in love and understanding, the first step being to love and understand yourself. It’s free people; why not hop up on this bandwagon? All you need is love.