I had a dream that I gave you a hug.
You could probably use one right now.
My heart was beating so fast,
I was positive you could feel it’s treble,
And praying you couldn’t.
Because this wasn’t about me;
It was about what you needed.
Your sadness sometimes permeates your pores
Like dancing after eating too much garlic.
I felt your anger
A steal trap 100 feet high.
And I felt your sadness
A willow tree billowing in the nothing.
And I felt your desperation.
Razorblade shaking against your wrist…
Or…
Or…
Or was it my wrist?
I held you
Tight.
The heat from our bodies rising so high
I thought we were going to spontaneously combust.
Remember that?
Spontaneous combustion?
What ever happened to spontaneous combustion?
A made for TV documentary in the 90’s
About the unsolved mysteries of the universe.
Too much heat leading to an internal explosion.
Out of nowhere.
For unknown reasons.
We didn’t.
I woke up instead.
The hug was for you.
And you held me just as tight as I did and not let go.
You needed that hug.
I did so and;
We blended
Like a sable blends the horizon.
I had a dream.
Dreams I always have.
You were in it.
It was about you or was it me.
I felt yourmy anger
More like a rage boiling over, scalding the surface.
I felt yourmy sorrow
A pressure so deep in my heart, like a magnet swallowing me into the earth.
I felt yourmy desperation
A terrible fear that this is it, this is what all of it led to, this is all there is,
Nevermore.
I’m home and it’s horrible.
I’m here.
Witnessing death, a little each day.
It’s not as bad as that other time,
That time the frozen river called my name.
My body breaking the ice
The cold swallowing my shell.
It is
A loneliness I haven’t touched in many years sits here.
Enveloped in the dust of what was, what could have been and what might never be.
A loneliness sits here.
I needed your hug,
It was for you,
But I needed it too.
It reminded me of something, something that I used to feel.