Active Change

I knew he would be pissed. That’s one of the reasons I didn’t respond to the first message, hoping that he would give up and forget about me as I have forgotten about him. I really have, 5 minutes after reading his message I would forget about him completely only to be reminded of his existence a week later with another message. I had to put a stop to it, otherwise I knew he would never stop trying to contact me. I thought about writing something like “oh sorry, I accidentally deleted you from my friends list and didn’t realize.” But that would have propagated the problem. So I bit the bullet and told him the truth.

“Honestly Guy Whose Name I Shall Not Mention,

I think that we are just two very different people. Do you realize that this is the most you’ve contacted me in years, and it’s not because you genuinely want to catch up, but rather, because I’ve stopped contacting you.

I’ve come to realize a few things that helped me see how different we are. I don’t have anything in common with you anymore and your cruel sarcasm is not something that I want to engage in. No hard feelings or anything, I just think that if we were to meet today we wouldn’t have anything in common. And to chat with you once every couple of years because you’re having trouble with your relationship is not my idea of a friendship.

I’m not angry, not for a long time, I just don’t see a point in staying “friends” when your personality consistently hurts my feelings and we no longer have anything in common. I mean, let’s face it, we were never friends, we were lovers and that ended years ago.

All the best to you,

That started what could have been a tumbleweed of cruel remarks fuelled by resentments long since past. He sent a not-so-nice response, one that I was expecting because I did know him very well and I also know that he hasn’t changed much in the decade apart. He never really took the time to get to know me at all. He played and pretended and I accepted these superficial shows of affection because I was young and insecure. He was passionate and exciting and was the first man to ever sweep me off my feet. He was also mean and sarcastic and selfish and given that we most certainly were no longer sleeping together, there was nothing left to balance the cruelty, not that cruelty ever can be balanced, but you know how it is when you’re young and so desperately wanting to be loved. So, rather than fuel that dramatic fire, only to create a microcosm of chaos in my life, I decided to delete him completely and block his profile. The only answer that I have, given that I am 99% sure that he would never apologize for anything and that he would consistently write hurtful things.

I learned a long time ago that you can’t communicate with someone who is not ready to hear what you have to say. And so, I’m left with a strange feeling of pride and loss. I am proud of myself for dealing with this very old piece of baggage once and for all; quite possibly the first major piece of baggage that spurred on all of the other accumulated baggage that I’ve been expunging recently, now that is a major accomplishment. And yet there is still that sense of loss. Where from? I had long since given up any hope in reuniting with him and had long lost any infatuation for him and had long lost any hopes for a friendship and had even long since forgotten of his very existence for the most part. So what is this feeling of loss? A piece of myself that is gone from me forever, and albeit, I’m all the better for it, there is still a kind of nostalgia over the naiveté and innocence of that time. A loss for the better is still a loss after all.

Posted on July 12, 2015 Leave a comment