I'm daring to date again.
I've recently moved to a new place where I have no solid social network, other than a few family members. I am a single, accomplished, attractive woman about to turn 40. Never married. No children and currently not in a romantic relationship. I haven't been in one for some time. I removed myself from the online dating circuit a few years ago because I had found a fella that I liked and wanted to explore that. When that relationship ended, I couldn't bare the idea of going back online, the thought terrified and disgusted me. Memories of experiences that I'd had flooded my brains' gates and I cursed and yelled at anyone who suggested I get back online. I was healing from past relationships and didn't feel any desire to go out of my way to meet anyone, aside from the obvious fact that my personal experiences online have primarily been a huge massive stank ass shit show.
Fast forward to a year later, a few short relationships met/made/developed naturally but not lasting and I'm living in a small mill town that's smack dab in the middle of two cities. Although the cities are close enough, they are still approximately an hour or so away and I have to borrow a family members car every time I want to drive to one. Keep your judgements to yourself, I had a car once but sold it a year after I moved to San Francisco because I lived in the city and didn't need it. I haven't had a car since given that I've lived in cities that had all of the amenities you could desire within a 10 block radius and great public transit, (Montreal, NYC).
The winter holiday season comes and goes and my loneliness is quickly creeping up on me. My thoughts start drifting and I start thinking that maybe I'd like to try to meet someone, one more time. I thought that I had made up my mind to be perfectly ok growing old alone, having a garden, strange and unusual pets, and wearing big brimmed hats and long dresses all in black so that the neighborhood kids start seeing me as the local witch. (At least this is what my generation was taught happens to women like me) My family members start hinting at going online again and I've forgotten the pains of the trials of my past experiences, much like what I imagine getting pregnant is for the second time. Why would I put myself through these horrible experiences again? Because I have forgotten what it feels like and think, it wasn't so bad and maybe it'll be different this time.
So here it is, my top 10 Tips to fellas dating online. All of these tips stem from my own personal experiences and are from this most recent tour online, although not necessarily solely.
Online Dating Tip #10:
HEY GUYS!! You fellas online!!! HELLOOOO!
Ask her questions about herself! I know, a mind shattering concept, but here's the thing, it actually works!!! Insert open mouthed smiley excited emoji face here
If you are genuinely interested in meeting a partner (not just a sex buddy but a real relationship ---- no judgement either way it’s just that this tip is for relationship guys ---- I know for a fact there are a lot of you out there and I want to help you out ---- truly!!!)
Ask the person questions about THEM. You can start with just about anything, but an easy way is to look at their pictures, find something in them to enquire about.
Was that photo taken at Niagara Falls?
You looked like you were having a lot of fun in that picture by the water, was that a holiday?
Is that your child?
How old is your pet?
EVERYONE, including you, wants to feel special and unique, and although there may be a few people you’re finding special enough to chat with, they are still more special than the slew of others, so find out if they actually are more special.
If they are they’ll ask you enough questions about yourself to keep your ego perfectly erect! And with your ego at attention, why not exemplify how caring, compassionate and interested you are in someone other than yourself! Insert winky smiley face emoji here
A Secret: it’s a real turn on!
Online Dating Tip #9:
Don’t make group photos your primary photo or the only photos in your profile.
Everyone is assuming that you have friends and family and that will become very clear when you start chatting. What a woman is looking for is pictures of you, your face, your body, doing "you" things. If she sees 5 pictures of you with a group of people how is she to distinguish who you are from the rest of them? Especially when viewed on a phone. It’s hard enough to figure out if some people are attractive in the kind of way you’d like on a cell phone, why make it more difficult?
Worse yet, what if your friends are better looking than you are…what then? Don’t get offended if a woman contacts you asking for your friends digits cause he looks cuter, taller and more charismatic in photos.
These apps were not designed to spark immediate emotional connections, THEY ARE APPS, INTERNET, COMPUTER PROGRAMS and are incapable of emoting, regardless of how many emojis you use. Insert stunned emoji face here
BONUS points to Bitmoji users, sense of humor, especially at oneself, never ceases to be attractive.
Don’t take it personally, it’s the nature of the product. Just do the best you can and be real, be you, be honest and true and you’ll find someone who…(sung in musical theater voice)
Online Dating Tip #8:
Driving an hour to meet someone new is not a journey to the moon, it’s a chivalrous act.
The worst thing that will happen is that you end up driving for a few hours on a Sunday afternoon. If you’re really interested in meeting someone special and the woman you wink at lives an hour away, don’t ask her when she’s coming to you, ask her when you can talk on the phone, then, if all goes well, ask her when you can come to her. We aren’t planning our futures with virtual strangers.
Take it one step at a time. If she were your dream lady, wouldn’t you fly to the moon and back? Put your baggage and insecurities to the side, initially at the very least and be a gentleman.
To the liars:
If the reason you won’t go out of your way is because you’re just looking for a FWB, be a fucking decent human being and say so. Don’t try to manipulate her to coming to you so that you can attempt to get her so tipsy she can’t drive home and then tell her she can sleep at your house…
Nothing will happen…
You promise…Insert sly winky smiley face emoji here
Jesus man! You’re not 18, not for almost 2 decades, how young are the women you try to manipulate? I know you think you’re being suave and probably think you’re seductive, but she sees right though you. She’s just debating whether she’s horny enough and whether you’re good looking enough for her to bother.
Online Dating Tip #7:
Don’t tell the new girl how stunningly gorgeous the old girl was, so much so that you wondered why a woman as beautiful as she would be online to begin with. How she was so unbelievably beautiful that you wondered what kind of crazy she must be if she can't find a date and keep a man in the real world.
First of all beautiful women have a difficult time dating in life, just like everyone else. Most men are either too shy to say hello or just see her as a conquest... I should know... ehem... Insert toothy grimacing emoji face here
Secondly, it makes you look like a manipulative jerk. If your intention is to make the new girl feel so insecure that she’ll settle for your crazy ass, dude, we’re not living in 1940, get your shit together, get some therapy, build true self-confidence and be grateful for what you have and respectful of your future partner.
Thridly, WTF is wrong with you? You're online too dude! Need I say, projection much?
Happy dating! Insert original smiley face emoji here
Online Dating Tip #6:
(this one’s a nice one by comparison)
(which is probably why it's a shorter one)
(it's more fun writing the meaner ones) Insert all the emjoi's here
If you’re genuinely interested in meeting and getting to know a lovely lady, give more than one line answers.
With all of the options and swipes out there, this is not the time to be shy. Chances are, she’s not going to feel your beautiful personality through her smartphone screen. Be as charming and charismatic as you possibly can to get that first phone call! That first phone call is often the first step to that first date...see where this is going?!
Life is too short to let shyness get in the way of progress.
If you are just looking for a booty call, be honest, no one likes wasting time!
Online Dating Tip #5:
Topless photos are only appropriate in...
water skiing, scuba diving, surfing, water sport photos in general, on the beach, and...
that’s just about it.
Photos of you topless, laying in bed = Creepy with a capital C
Topless selfie in the bathroom = weird
Duckface topless selfie = weird no matter where it was taken. P.s. there’s a reason why there was a whole season a few years back of comedy bits about the duck face...it’s not sexy...it’s weird.
Topless selfie at the gym = why are you topless at the gym? Have you been approached by the staff about inappropriate attire? Are you really looking to date a lady?
Squinty eye, duckface, topless selfie in bed= needs no explanation Insert unamused emoji face here
Topless or not...all selfies all the time are strange. Set up a tripod if you don’t have anyone else to take photos of you. And take photos out and about, not just in your house, car or bathroom. Try to avoid all three of these locations until you get the hang of it.
I mean, what are you guys thinking???
Signed, Genuinely Curious
P.S. If looking for a "hookup", or "I'll host" and you want to exhibit your weird duckface naked torso pointy man nipples alongside your semi tidy apartment, be honest or better yet, join a hookup app and stop wasting the authentic ladies' time.
Online Dating Tip #4.
(This one’s a duesy!)
If you’re going to be a perv, straight outta the gate, be sure to include that in your bio.
Unless you mention desiring purely sexual connections or the woman flat out asks you for a dick pick or a booty call — DO NOT assume it is EVER appropriate to start a connection with a sexual dialogue.
If you do slip up (because it happens), rather than trying to convince her that she mistook your innuendo...
(PUHLEEZE!, what rock do you think she just crawled out from under?)
Simply admit it and apologize. Simple. Be a grown adult man and take ownership of yo-self!
If she decides that regardless of your apology, your approach was too creep-like to overlook for a total and complete stranger. Accept that you acted like a douche and move on in silence.
Actual written dialogue that took place.
Disclaimer The name has been changed to protect the privacy of a certain individual...but really because I’d rather not get sued in the future for defamation of character, even though this is 100% true written dialogue that I copied and pasted from my device.
Before this conversation (if you can call it that) I had had minimal online texting with this individual. We never met in person, never spoke on the phone and I hadn’t heard from him in about a month. I had all but forgotten about him...and then... to my surprise, I get this...
Guy: Hey Gaetanne, Question for you. Do you identify as Dom or Sub?
Me: Really? Question for you, do you have a shitty sense of humor or have you been laying it on thick with the cocaine?
(Admittedly a teeny bit excessive, but at this stage that’s what you get for being a doucher)
Dominant or Submissive
Me: Ya, I understand the question. Don’t pretend you weren’t insinuating sexually, one thing I don’t identify myself as is stupid.
Guy: Ok...sexually, personality, artistically...I’m looking at your paintings...
I believe some of them are self-portraits.
(He attaches an image of my painting “The Definition of Insanity”. A painting of a woman with a clown face, Harley Quinn-esq. She is handcuffed to the bed, but only with one hand. The title of the painting is a clear indication of the narrative direction, as is the rest of the paintings composition if taken the time to look at it. Obviously he only saw, woman (me), handcuffs and a bed.)
Guy: So I’m putting pieces of the puzzle together.
Insert eyes rolling to the back of my head emoji here
Me: Not self-portraits, psycho-spiritual narratives that I happen to use myself in as the subject. Had you bothered to ask me about my work rather than my sexual habits we could have had a good conversation.
As in subconscious?
And FYI you shouldn’t jump to conclusions...
Me: psycho as in psy-cho-lo-gi-cal.
You’re right, I shouldn’t jump to conclusions. Forgive me for jumping down your throat after decades of dealing with certain men who think that asking me about my sexuality before making any effort of getting to know me as a living breathing thinking feeling human being is appropriate conversation.
Maybe...and this is just a thought...you should think about your sentence structure.
Guy: You 100% right.
Thank you for your honesty.
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had to deal with these types of men and situations. (um...you are this type of man and created this situation)
If there’s a positive to draw from it...it’s that I can tell you have a thick skin! (oh, a passive aggressive insult disguised as a compliment)
And apologies for assuming I was being clear. (you were being clear, I understood exactly what you meant)
(I admit that by this point I’m convinced that he’s totally full of shit, because I do believe that if he really were sorry he would have had the common sense not to go down that road to begin with. There is very little compassion on my end at this point, if any at all.)
Me: Apology accepted.
But if you think I’m going to believe your intent was pure in nature you’re mistaken.
All the best to you.
Don’t bother contacting me again.
Guy: Like I said, I meant it in all aspects of the word(s)...you chose to interpret it as such and I can understand why, but unfortunately because you let the experience of bad apples in your life cause you to pass judgement on someone truly different than what’s out there. I’m not any better or any worse than anyone...but I’m not your typical guy.
No worries...I have zero desire to invest energy in this...I guess you’ll never know what you walked away from. Ciao
Oh ya, and I tried calling 2 weeks ago and never herd back...
Me: I never received a phone call and was never left a message.
I think I have a pretty good idea of what I’m gladly walking away from!
Ciao (said in valley girl accent) Insert winky smiley face with tongue hanging out here
Online Dating Tip #3:
When you finally do meet a girl you like...
Step 1: RELAX
Don’t go messaging her little love notes 5 times a day and sending her heart and kissy heart emojis before you’ve even spoken on the phone.
Step 2: CHILL THE FAWK OUT
If she doesn’t respond within 24 hours and you’re freeking out wondering what you did wrong, thinking about the AMAZING connection you had with this super sexy lady that you sent 2 emails to and picture as your bride, don’t message her an all caps “HELLOOO???”
When she does finally message you back...the next day...don’t write, “I though you weren’t interested! Thank GAWD you finally messaged back!” (To be fair this is a slight exaggeration of a personal experience, but only slight)
Chill the fawk out guys!!!
We’re as anxious as you are to meet someone special and when we meet a dude who seems to check all the boxes (or at least most of them) we get excited too! But text stalking her and sending her love emojis and expecting her to be waiting with the phone in hand for each and every message 24 hours a day 7 days a week, is not reasonable for an established relationship let alone a “we literally just started texting two days ago, and have never even spoken on the phone yet.” acquaintance.
You want to get that first date???
Here’s a simple 1, 2, 3 step guide...
1. Text her a few paragraphs about yourself, be generous, if she’s interested she’ll read it! Then ask her questions about herself, she wants to know that you genuinely want to get to know her, not just her vagina. Figure out if you actually have anything in common or if you just like that picture of her in her mermaid costume at the mermaid parade in Coney Island.
2. Then if you still like her, ask for a phone call, YES! YOU SHOULD VOICE CALL HER! And make a plan. If she’s a single lady living in this jungle we call earth, she’s going to have a job, family, friends, hobbies, a pet, plants, I.e.: a life, and as far as you’re concerned, you are a stranger. The sooner that fact is no longer a fact, the sooner she’ll express more interest in you.
3. Once the phone call was had, and you’re still interested, make plans to meet. Because remember, she most likely has a lot more guys messaging her than you have ladies messaging you.
Moral of the story, be proactive, not creepy.
Online Dating Tip #2.
Don’t talk about other women in a romantic, sexualized, gossipy way to the woman you are currently talking with.
a) WTF guy? When did giving a woman a compliment entail telling her how attractive all other women are?
answer: NEVER. If you think that the woman you're talking to online is beautiful in her pictures, tell her, directly.
b) When did using the phrase, "Gotta look good for the ladies" become an appropriate statement to a woman you've never met and are trying to date?
answer: NEVER. If you work out and manscape for the ladies, good for you, but keep it to yourself and the locker room, especially with someone new. It's a put off. You want to see how cool and down to earth she is? Then talk to her like a real human being.
c) When did talking about how stunningly gorgeous the last woman you went out on a date with seem like a good idea?
answer: NEVER. Are you trying to make her feel insecure? Are you that guy? That guy who likes to make the woman he's trying to date feel inferior as a method of seduction? Be a gentleman, keep your beautiful ex's out of the picture, literally and figuratively, (unless you're poly, in which case you should mention that as an FYI)
d) When did mentioning how wonderful your ex girlfriend was but how she was kind of nuts seem like a fun topic with a stranger that you're trying to bed?
answer: NEVER. It takes two to tango and if your discussion around your ex is..."she was great but"...that's a clear indication that you don't take responsibility for your actions. A gossip is a gossip is a gossip, if you're gossiping about her with me, a woman you've just met, I would make a very expensive bet that you would turn around and do the same to me in no time flat. Don't bitch about your ex unless you want to talk about your shit bag behavior as well.
Insert tired emoji here
Online Dating Tip #1.
The big Kahuna
The ultimate Online Dating Tip of the decade!
Here it is folks!
This one is a repeated theme throughout this post and mentioned in almost every tip. Given that it was coming up over and over again, I thought it deserved mention and deserved the number one spot.
How does lying to somebody about who you are or what you do end well, ever?
You, you guy, you know who you are.
Ya, you, I’m talking to you.
The one who lays out bait to see what the response is so that you can mold your story to whatever you think will be what she wants to hear so that you can finally get laid. How well has that been workin' for ya' anyway?
You, over there, the liar about who you are, what you want and what you’re looking for.
You, the perpetual cheater, only you’re single and you’re really only cheating yourself in the end. Insert sentimental emoji here
If you’ve read my tips up to this point, you might have noticed a repeated theme throughout, regardless of the initial topic. At the end of several posts I mention things like...
If you are just looking for casual hook-ups, BE HONEST.
Believe it or not, there are women who are interested in that also.
If you are married and want to cheat on your spouse, be honest. You will find women who desire that as well.
If you are in an open relationship and want another partner, be honest.
If you are in a poly relationship and you and your current partner want another partner, be honest.
If you are a playa, and have no intention of being monogamous, be honest.
If you get off on lying. If lying about your intentions is what arouses you and gets you excited, then you have some deep rooted psychological issues that you should find a therapist for. That is addiction my friend and is a real problem, most likely stemming from trauma of some kind. Getting off on hurting innocent people just to stick your dick in is a kind of psychosis that has been minimized and dismissed as "guys being guys". I know many guys, and although many of them have probably tried this method once or twice in their lives, all of the healthy, strong, independent, confident, sexy, masculine men that I know would never deliberately manipulate and hurt a woman just to get laid. So if that's your thing, you should truly consider getting yourself some professional help.
Moral of the story